Wednesday, December 11, 2013

10 Days Later…No Words…Just Anxiety

I distinctly remember promising on December 1st, that I was going to write every single day this month, to get into the habit of writing every single day. To point out the obvious, I have not written a single thing outside of rewriting my thesis (which was twenty-two pages in the end) and my notes for studying and filling out paperwork at the bridal salon.

It has been a productive ten days, but not in the way I was hoping.

I have been consumed with anxiety about finishing my thesis. Which I did.

I have been worried sick over my oral presentation. Which went phenomenally well.

I have paced, since my last final, worrying if my capstone course will give me the grade I need to leave proud of my accomplishments, not just because I slid out by the skin of my teeth. At this point, I would take a C, happily, but it would not belie the work and hours put into the project. I would rather receive a B, but it is just a waiting game now. Grades are not finalized until next week.

I am a week away from knowing if I have graduated with my Bachelor of Arts.

I am a week away from not stepping foot in a classroom as a student for an undetermined amount of time. I am far too burnt out from my undergrad to attempt graduate studies right now. And the Captain advises working for a few years and putting a dent in loans before accruing new ones.

I am beginning the job application process. Fingers crossed on these Colorado inquiries of mine. Or just pray that I find work soon. I do not know that a bridal salon and closing two nights a week at the store are enough to foot my gas, insurance, and student loan bills, which kick in next month.

I find myself overwhelmed at the prospect of so many decisions.

I get trapped in my head easily.

I panic.

I get frazzled.

I blush.

I stammer.

It is exhausting.

Being an introvert is not always as restful as it sounds.

It takes months of my knowing someone before I feel a semblance of comfort unmarred by anxiety.

I am supposed to apply for jobs and then pick-up and move there to work.

Chances are high it may not be in Colorado where I know numerous people.

I am all for adventure and starting some place new, but I am afraid of jumping straight in with no fail-safe. No backup. No one to call when something goes wrong that can access me easily.

I fear being truly on my own. It does not sound safe. It is unfamiliar.

But, maybe it is the words of a Baggins I should be taking: "I am going on an adventure."

Having read the terms and conditions and understanding that it may not go as I hope it does. I know planning, to an extent, is useless and I try to remind myself not to get so wrapped up in details I have no control over.

I cannot control other people. I cannot control whole situations.

I am only me. I have to have faith and trust in the LORD or I am truly alone.

It is taking that step of faith that is the hardest.

But December may yet prove to be an exercise in how to do just that.

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