I am telling you now, it is not okay for people to say the same things to you...
You are a yellow-bellied wuss. The men in my life should know that they have little to fear from me because, even if I fancy you, I'll never do anything about it. I'm too scared to fight for what I want. I'm too scared that asking for more will destroy what we have. Even if I loved you, time would make you my brother because I freeze on the inside. You have nothing to fear from me, so you can go ahead and choose her because I will never stop you.
Suicides, where do they go when they die? You know I was told they go to Hell. It did not matter that they did not know her. It did not matter that telling me such a thing deepened my own pain. Such things are of little consequence when a debate can be had. What people do not realize is that when they say such things suicide looks a little more appealing to the person they're saying it to.
She is different than I thought she was. Oh, what a charmer. You need to understand that there is an amazing difference in being honest with someone then leaving them for it and them telling your friend they rebounded to that you are not quite who they thought you were. You need to know that you did not lie, they were not paying attention.
It would be better if you were away from your family, doing your own thing. This is a statement I have heard multiple times now, from the same consecutive sources over the past year. Let me explain, it's a selfish statement, really, people advising you on a decision based on their personal preference and not what is actually best for you. Be wary of the people you inconvenience by improving your quality of life.
Why would I pour into someone who is going to leave? There really is nothing like someone looking you in the eyes and telling you that you are not worth their time and attention if you are not going to stick around. A piece of advice, this is a person you should never share anything personal with past how you are handling your academic load. Such people like to attach labels to you that make you, I don't know, have a determinate factor. For example, you could go from a girl who seemed flustered to depressed in the space of a few months. They're not so helpful when they assign the latter, regardless of truthfulness.
Changing universities will put your already dry soul in jeopardy. Going from a small, private, religious based educational system to a large, public university will have its own challenges. But, if you are entrenched with a great support system at home and at church, your soul's condition should not be a criteria for concern, even deserts have monsoons.
The thought of going back there makes me hollow inside, makes me want to take my car off the Rockies. That, is not even funny. I am not quite sure which is worse: having someone you love think you're joking when the thought of going back to somewhere makes taking your life bearable or the fact that you even thought about taking your own life while you were there. I cannot look at you and say for absolute certainty that there are people who walk through life and never have a thought about ending it early. All I can tell you, is at twenty-one, I thought about it last year.
When tragedy strikes your life when a mentor commits suicide, something deep inside you unhinges. Little things become annoying. Big things become unbearable. When you relapse into a cycle of illness and missing class and make-up work and your grades sinking, just like they did in high school, when you last thought about it, something has to change.
You need to know these things because it is so important:
You are not your grades. Having bad grades for a season is not the end of the world, even if you were raised in a family that treats it that way. They are the worst reason on earth to think about leaving it for.
You may be a coward when it comes to men. But, there is nothing wrong with that. Not all girls are gifted with the ability to convey deeper feelings for a guy past, "Just friends." Take it from the girl who left Colorado without letting a soccer player know. The same girl that has not told the engineer here at home. Not all of us were born with bravery in our veins, it takes time to develop.
You are different than they thought. Let them take it with them to the curb. If they are telling someone else you are different, especially if they chose your friend as a rebound, understand that they saw a different you. You being a huge home-body has nothing to do with why you would not go out with them. The fact that you were not staying in the same state and that your father would shoot them on sight, however, does.
Your soul can survive a drought. Sometimes, the places people think are the driest, turn out to be the most nourishing for those that are starving. But take a look at who you're surrounded by as well. It could be them that are sucking you dry.
You are worth committing to. I don't care if it's a boyfriend or a side-kick, you are worth someone devoting express time to you. Understanding you and what makes you unique and intricate and fashioned of God. Anyone who writes you off just because your place in their life is temporary can be dropped off at the station.
So, here is to being the coward...
The girl afraid to tell the boy or the boy scared to tell the girl. Here's the bonus: We're both chicken.
Here is to telling people and their opinions of you to be damned because the Devil sent them.
To challenging the notion that going through life is easy and that, sometimes, you stare into the pit.
Understanding that you are worth more than what someone said.
Challenging that your soul has nothing to do the location but in what way the rain comes.
I may be a yellow-bellied, dry soul, different kind of wuss according to some.
But...the story never ends with someone being handed a broom and a dust pan...